This is a story about how people in Cambodia seen women as a stigma and judgemental on women’s appearance.
Bare
Driving out on a stretched, long street as it had been in the daylight but instead, it’s dark and the street lights brighten up the road on both sides. I am comfortably sitting in my car driving straight ahead, passing Preah Norodom, on to BBK road. I’m heading out to dinner alone as always and it’s Friday night so I’m going out late because that’s how it goes for me. Every day after work, I have no communication with friends or others because I find myself as a different person when I’m alone. I live in an apartment by myself and I have no family near me as they’re all living in my hometown province of Takeo. As I arrive in front of the restaurant, I quickly search for a spot to park my car and I find one right on the side. Here I am at Dominos having pizza all alone. I get my purse and wallet from the passenger seat and get out of the car immediately, heading straight into the restaurant. As I am about to enter through the door, the woman who is sitting outside with her other friends observes me with the gaze of a stranger. From the look in her eyes, she has formed some opinions and judgments of me. I do not know what those thoughts and points are but I’m sure they’re not good and as I look around the outside seats, I see everyone suddenly staring at me like I’m a total stranger and disgusting person. I do not care to even bother so I just enter the restaurant straight to the counter. I obviously know what I want to order so I don’t even care to look at the menu.
I look at the busy cashier and she smiles at me for a second and then her grin slowly fades away the longer she sees me.
“Can I have medium size BBQ chicken without mayo swirl?” She enters the orders into the computer. “And can I also have small spicy chicken wings?”
“Anything else?” She asks without making eye contact.
“And a coke please.”
“16.99$.”
I search my wallet for the money and then I hand her 20 bucks and she returns back with the leftover money. She then hands my waiting number “26”.
I look around, trying to find a comfortable place to sit and there I found one further away in the corner. As I walk toward the table, I hear a lot of whispering and mumbling from each table I pass. What’s going on? I question myself.
“Why does this girl wear such short shorts? Isn’t she embarrassed?” A woman mumbles.
“This isn’t a proper Cambodian woman.”
“Is she even looking at herself?”
“Jesus, this is just too embarrassing!”
“Why doesn’t she just go naked because she’s practically there already?”
“Who’s daughter is this and why do they let her do what she wants so easily?”
That’s all the whispering I heard. They’re judging me by my looks. Because I wear short shorts? Is this a problem? Is it the shorts? Is my shirt that reveals my boobs that causes this too? Why do they need to care about this?
I know everyone is looking at me but I don’t even care to look back at them. Let them think whatever they want but to be honest I don’t want to care. I take a seat on the chair and then I spend the rest of my waiting time on my phone checking Facebook.
All of the sudden, there’s a guy who sits next to me.
. “I can sit here right?”
“I guess so. I don’t mind.” I reply back without hesitation. The longer I look at this guy, the more handsome he is.
“So my name is Rathanak. And you are?”
“Viriya,” I said. I feel his shoulder brush against mine and it feels a little weird.
“What are you going to do after this?” he continues asking.
“I’m heading to a bar near here.”
“Would you mind if I join?”
“I don’t mind because I don’t really have any friends to go with. I’m just alone all the time.”
I have a feeling that he’s starting to get close to me. And then I feel his hand on my lap, making my nerves jump. He’s smiles at me innocently. He then slowly moves his hand to the upper thigh making me really nervous. Why don’t I just stop him? What are you doing? Why are you letting him?
I take my hand out and stop him before he does anything else. I grab his wrist and remove it from my lap.
“I’m sorry.” He apologizes.
I shake my head and don’t say a word. That was totally the most awkward thing I’ve ever experienced.
After having dinner with this guy, I’m pretty much interested in him. I mean he’s not that bad. He’s friendly, talkative and funny besides that weird moment in the beginning. But hey, there’s at least a person who can spend time with me. After the dinner, we promise that we’re going to the bar together. At dinner, there were people taking out their phone as I walked passed them with Rathanak beside me. I didn’t care to look back to see if they took a picture of me. I let Rathanak drive my car because he said he knows a better place for a bar.
“So what do you do for work?” he questioned.
“I work at the Phnom Penh tower.”
“That’s cool.”
After five minutes of silence, he suddenly pulls the car to a very quiet road. Why are we here?
“Is this the place you recommend?” I ask.
He gets out of the car and runs to my door to open it for me. This place is dark and very quiet. I get out of the car with millions of questions in my head.
“Why are you bringing me here?”
He fiercely grabs me out of the car and then pinches both of my hands to the car so my back is against the car and his body is against me. I think I know what he’s trying to do.
“Let me go, what are you doing?!” I try to pull my hands off but he’s too strong and too aggressive to let go of my hand.
“You wear clothes like that, who wouldn’t want to taste you?”
“What?”
“Next time, you don’t need to wear anything!”
He starts to kiss around my neck but I try to avoid his position so he struggles to kiss me. “Stop!” I yell. “Help! Help!”
He puts his left hand on my mouth to stop me from screaming. And he digs his right hand straight into my pants from beneath because my pants were too short and too easy for him to get through. “Next time, wear something shorter!” He talks between moaning. With my free hand, I try to stop him and it works. I pull my knee up hard right into his member. He lets go of me and I quickly get back in the car and drive off at the speed of light, which left him alone stranded in the dark and quiet street.
While I’m driving back to my apartment, the tears came streaming down like crazy. I can’t believe what just happened. Why is this happening to me? The guilt sat not on my chest but inside my brain. My chest feels like its floating from my heart. My heart beats harder trying to keep it together. I can’t think straight. I think too much, I think ahead, I think behind, I think sideways and if it exists I just thought of it. It feels like every cell in my body is moving too fast It almost makes my veins explode. It keeps repeating the moment of regret in my brain and I can’t find a way to stop it.
My phone rings and it’s a call from my friend in the office, Nika. “Hello Nika!” I try to calm down and pretend that I’m casual.
“What is wrong with you?” she yelps at me. “I never knew you could be like that!”
“Like what?” I ask, surprised.
“That kind of girl who dressed half naked in public! You embarrassed yourself!”
“I didn’t know, it’s just…I-I don’t care much. And how do you know?”
“Because.. there are posts about you on Facebook, VIRAL!”
I immediately stop the car. I couldn’t say a word because I’m frozen. I could not think or feel anything besides shame and regret.
What just happened I can’t un-do. A fire burned in my mind and throat. I could feel daggers aiming at me from my screen. This is my punishment for not loving myself.