The first term of literacy this year, I worked on a creative writing project, narrative essay. The theme of the project is “Coming of Age”. Throughout the process, I learned mini-language usage lessons from my teacher, Cara, such as comma usage, vocabulary development, concision, conjunctions, diction, subordinates, anaphora and connotation, and denotation. Before the class started writing our narrative essay, we learned about the theme of “Coming of Age”, a rite of passage and what does it mean.
The topic I chose to write for this project is the relationship between my sister and myself and the power of her goodbye. It has been very hard to share a personal story like this because it is so emotional for me. But in general, I think my progress and the development of this writing has been improved by a lot.
Read my story here:
The Power Of Goodbye
Life is full of unexpected and unfortunate events. Throughout my whole life, since I was born to now, I have been through so many experiences, both up and down. Most of them are what called “first time” since I’m still a teenager, understand that it will happen again, and again, and again, and being able to learn from the experiences. This one is very personal, emotional, touching, and loved. It was the first time that I realize how much I loved someone that meant the world to me. Yet, I started to perceive that I won’t be able to be with the person I love all the time. At some point, I have to say goodbye, and it is tough to do so. Still, I have to understand, sometimes it’s better to allow the person to step away or forsake for their own goods and happiness. It’s like a quote that said “It’s painful to say goodbye to someone that you don’t want to let go. But it’s more painful to ask someone to stay if you know they really want to go.” Solida’s goodbyes have made me become conscious, that I can’t be with the person I truly love all the time. She has lightened up a whole big and new life-changing lesson for me. She has taught me to be a strong and an independent girl even though she’s not with me to hold my hand.
The first day that I came into this world, the cute little baby that everyone wants to hug, I didn’t know what I was doing or who I even was, besides crying of course. However, I heard from my family that my mom didn’t take care of me much since I was a baby because she was too busy working to find money in order to help my family. So who would be responsible for taking good care of this naughty baby? It was my big lovely sister, Solida. She decided to quit school in the ninth grade since our family didn’t have enough money for everyone to go to school, and she became like a mother to the younger siblings. She took care of me like I was her daughter. She milked me, showered me, cleaned me after pees and poops, played with me, trained me to be a girl, educated me about life, be there for me when I need her, and most importantly, loved me from her kind, beautiful, and warm heart. And for that reason, she is my everything, she’s more than a mother to me, she belongs to me, and she’s mine. She means more to me than any other person, she is everything I think about, everything I need, everything I want. She is my world. I have never met a more caring person in my life. She has made me the caring person I have become. She is extremely hard working and goal oriented. She doesn’t quit when things get hard and just pushes through. This trait is extremely admirable and I love her for it. She not only worked hard to ensure that I had a good upbringing, but was also very strict and often punished me whenever I did something wrong. Even though I did not like the punishment then, I now look back and realize that it was meant to lovingly, correct me and help me to follow the right path when growing up. My life depends on her, and only her.
As much as I love her, things wouldn’t be the same as what I expected. As usual, my sister rides me to my English school in the evening. After dropping me off at the school, she went to her French class and learned a part-time language lesson there. Her school and my school was roughly next to each other. One day, when my class ended, I walked to her school so that we could ride back home together. But as I arrived at the place, I heard a lot of mumbling and whispering, and mutter, and smiles, and laughter, and cheering, and congratulations. I honestly didn’t know what was happening but I could see that my sister was smiling widely, showing her delighted face. So I couldn’t help but smile too.
A friend of her came up to me and said, “I wish your sister good luck and all the best.”
I thought to myself, “What are you talking about? What’s going on? What is she being congratulated? What’s happening with my sister?” But I didn’t get to ask anyone. I was just standing there smiling like an idiot, knowing nothing.
As I sat on my bike, I felt hesitant to ask her about these curiosities, but I finally gained the confidence and said, “What happened back there?”
She chuckled and said, “I got an interview today with a french guy.”
I looked at her back, confused and puzzled, “Is there something wrong?”
This time she giggled, “No! There is nothing wrong at all but-”
“But what?” I quickly interrupted her.
“I’m going to France in three months….”
The moment I heard that my jaw dropped open. My stomach twitches because of the excitement and the depressed. I’m highly strung. I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. My chest feels like floating from my heart. My heart beats harder trying to keep it together. I can’t think straight. I wanted to burst myself out with tears, angry tears, sad tears, and happy tears.
We arrived home, I get off the back of the bike and opened the front gate door to our house. As I looked back to my sister, she was still beaming. “Are you going to tell mom?” I questioned before going in the house.
“Of course, she would be a very thrill to hear that.”
“Yeah, I’m very excited” I mumbled sarcastically. I’m very hurt and she doesn’t even care about me anymore. Maybe she doesn’t even realize or notice that I’m hurt. She just cared about herself. I hate her.
As I arrived my room, I threw my bag on the floor and then I jumped onto the bed, hugging both knees like a rocking baby and listened to the adult conversation from outside of the room. I barely heard them talking but I heard the noise of whispering and cheering when they’re all laughing.
Suddenly, my second brother voice was there and my second sister was there too. At this point, I also wanted to go outside and listen to what my sister has to say, but at the same time, I think I have no business out there. A kid like me shouldn’t listen to adult talking or join the adult conversation because Cambodian parents think that that is rude.
“I hate you” The phrase repeated in my head. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.” I kept imagining the same things over, and over, and over again. I feel like there is a hole in my chest holding me back from achieving my true goal- to not be alone. When the frustration builds and I think I might explode – I take a deep breath. I want to shout, have a tantrum and beat my hands on the ground like a toddler. I want to vent, let it out, but I don’t want to say words I don’t mean, be hurtful. Because I have to admit, I still love her.
I wrapped my arms around the pillow so tightly, like if it was a human, it will not be able to breathe. I want to tell my brain to stop thinking about it. I want it to shut down and let me go to sleep, but it just can’t. It won’t listen to me. I heard someone open my room door, stepping in slowly and silently. At this point, I’m trying really hard to stop the expressions of my emotions.
“Sreyday!” Solida said with a soft voice. “What happens with you?”
“Nothing,” I replied.
She sighs, “I know it’s not nothing. Tell me how are you feeling.”
I bite my tongue, trying to hold the tears that threatened to leave my eyes, showing my weaknesses. And that’s when I can’t hold them back. First, one small crystal bead escapes from my right eye. I can feel the heat, sliding down my cheek, and rolling off my chin. Then another. And another. And one after another continuously. Until my eyes flood with them, coming like a rainfall. Sniffing every time, they fall, and fall, and fall, and I let them.
“Because you do not love me,” At this moment, I’m in sober. “Why you want to leave me?”
“Sreyday… come on!” She patted on my shoulder but I rejected, hugging my pillow even tighter than ever. “What are you thinking? I’m not leaving you.”
“Go ahead and enjoy yourself in a foreign country and then you will forget me.” The tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down my face. I feel the muscles of my chin tremble. I’m crying and sniffing at the same time, making it hard to catch my breath. I felt like my lung was filled with water like it was drowning.
“Sreyday!” She turned my face to look at her. “Look at me.”
My tears welled up behind my eyelids, slipping down my cheeks without resistance. I cry too much, I noticed that it’s hard to open my eyes.
“I love you so much, you know! You are my daughter. I’m never going to forget you.” I felt her throat gone dried out. “How could you even think that?”
“Then why would you want to leave me.”
“Because I need to find my own family too.”
“So I’m not part of your family.” I queried back.
She exhaled in tiredness and sadness, “You are and will always be apart of me. I promise you, I will only go for three months, when I come back I will take you with me.”
“Really?” I said in big surprised.
She nodded, “Perhaps,” A pair of tears raced down her cheeks. “Even though I’m gone, doesn’t mean that you can’t live without me, Sreyday! You are a strong girl! You are brave enough for things you want.”
“Am I brave enough to fight for you?”
“You don’t have to fight for me because you already had me.” She played with my hair. “You will learn to be an independent and a powerful girl.”
I turned to hug her so that I’m being wrapped around by her warm and soft arms, and listening to her heartbeats.
“You’re not alone!” She quietly said.
“I love you!” I express in my cries.
“I love you most!”
For three long months, the upstairs window has been my only connection to the outside world. I felt like a lonely person. I felt like I have nobody, nobody. “She’s leaving me!” I thought dramatically. Hugging both knees to the ground, looking at a blank wall, imagining the future picture. The day I avoided has came to a reality, a reality where I’m most afraid for the first time in my life.
The luggage was out in the front door, the renting van has arrived and my sister is saying goodbye to our dad. I’m biting my lips so hard just to stopped my tears. “I should be happy!” I reminded myself. I sat at the back of the van, next to the window and seeing places as we were passing by, it was just like how time flies. Positivity just doesn’t want to unite with me at that moment. I’m hearing mom and everyone laughing, and talking, and wishing lucks and only me that wasn’t happy, only me. We finally arrived at the airport and at this moment, my heart just pumped up so fast it hurts my chest. And I realized, I was finally crying and sobbing. As soon as my sister saw me, she came and hugged me so tight, she hugged me for over five minutes long.
“Stop crying please!”
I sniffed so hard, I don’t think I’m breathing. “Please… don’t… go.” I said it between sob, still hugging her so tightly.
“My love, remember that I’m not leaving you. I’m going for a very short period, I promise.” She put her right hand on my chest where my heart is. “You have to stay strong, at least for me? I will always be with you, right here,” She pointed to my heart, “right there,”
My heart dropped to the bottom of the world. My feelings were just like a butterfly. It was hard to hate her because she was just extremely sweet.
“Take care ok?” She whispered softly.
I nodded, this time with a smile.
These next few hours would either pass as a blip in the course of her life, or they would be the final trauma that broke her. As the raucous of airplane passed above me, I started to feel something, something I never felt before.
I cried for a few days but I think those tears are worth to be wasted. I am not with her anymore, that doesn’t mean I’m alone, I’m just having more independent. At that time, I didn’t know how to be independent, I didn’t know what it means because I’ve been with someone since I was born. But as she was gone, I started to understand what independent mean. Even though it was hurt that she has left me, but her decision of leaving me is very meaningful and it was a life-changing moment for me or in another word “A Coming Of Age”. I realize that I don’t always depend on people to help me stand or find a direction to go. And she teaches me that I can be independent and switch into a life where I need discover who I am by myself. I realize that without her I can be who I am. Not just that I learned how to be independent, but I also learned how to take care of my family and myself.
Believe it or not, from when she was gone until now, I have made a lot of my own decisions. See here, I got to study at Liger school. I could have said “no” to come to Liger but I was seeing my future in a bright way and that’s why I said “yes”. The answer was not all from my parents, if it’s for my life, then it’s a part of me too.
When I was in Kindergarten, I got bullied by a bunch of kids; I was pretty depressed. But my sister always told me, “You don’t listen to what people said and decide that it’s true. You know who you are, you know what you love and those people don’t define you.” Since she was gone, I began to analyze more of what she said and when I understand it, it will be apart of me forever. Currently, I’m doing what I love, I’m doing what I’m passionate about. Sometimes, I even do what I’m afraid of or what I think I can’t do. I just have to have the mindset to do it and she is apart of my mindset. Because of the way she has taken care of me, I have learned from her attitude and I take care of the people who I love and I valued them.
The time when I was in the 3rd grade of government school, I make a lot of friends with some bad people and they lead me in the wrong way. But I was still a good student, it’s just that when I’m out of class, I don’t seem to be who I am. In honesty, I stole a lot of my mom money intentionally. I didn’t want to do it, but I was forced to, by them. I ruined a lot good times at that stage. Whenever I got home, I always got hit by my brother or my sister, nearly every day. I kind of got some mental situation but I don’t want to consider but because I was being pushed from a lot of directions. I wasted a lot of times doing nonsense stuff. After she left me, I don’t do those stuff anymore. I realize what I’ve done. From that on, I always take times as a priority. Time is a part of my life and everyone’s’ life. A second, a minute, an hour, a day, a month and a year, those are all moments and no one can bring times back. It’s gone and it’s done. It’s just like me and my sister, I’ve spent ten years with her as my childhood and I’ve no idea how fast that went. It’s crazy!
My sister has transferred into a teenagehood, it’s very exciting but also frustrating at the same time for being a teenager. But in order to get into that stage, I had to say goodbye to her and I know that the goodbye’s not forever but it was something “special”. Sometimes moving on with the rest of our life, starts with goodbyes. Goodbyes could happen to anything in this world, to a person I love, to an experience I enjoy and to objects I admire. This is just an example of how my sister goodbyes change my life but there were a lot of people who have changed me when they decided to leave.
